Pepe's Parol

PEPE'S PAROL

(Alec Rivera)

Circumcision Ni Pepe

Circumcision, circumcision, circumcision, CIRCUMCISION!! DIYOS KO!! Why have you created such a horrible feat of man?!?! Isn’t it bad enough that Filipino’s are more inferior to the Spaniards when it comes to that, and you had to go giggling your way thinking that hey why don’t we shorten even more!!

On a serious note to all my blog readers sorry about that, as you can see from my ranting, I just came from a procedure called circumcision. And believe you me when I tell you this. OMFG!!!! It is the most painful thing on earth! And the way they do the procedure is so crude and inhumane! But that’s partly my fault, you see mama gave me money to go get circumcised but as I was going to the hospital, I stumbled into this pub that I saw along the way and to my astonishment I ended up drinking till I only had 2 centavos left. I said to myself NOW I’M SCREWED!! If I go back home uncircumcised mama is going to hang me upside down on top of our coconut tree, and I did not want that to happen again! So I went back in the pub and talked to the bartender Mang Jose, to ask him where is the cheapest place to get circumcised (boy I wished I’d never asked him that question). He said to me go to mang tony’s butchery shop and ask for Roque the butcher, he knows a friend of a friend of a friend who can do the procedure for 2 centavos. The moment I arrived at the butchery, there was a long line of guys waiting to get the service. When it came my turn they have given me instructions on how the will do it. But inside my head I was already panicking, because when I saw the device that they used, first thing that came to my head was that it looked really familiar only that it is much smaller, as I thought about it even more I realized that it was a miniature guillotine!!

And it came in 3 sizes Small, Medium and Large. as you can see from the picture above you insert your thing and wait for them to pull the chord. 2 things came to mind when i was about to start the procedure. first, isn't there any anesthesia that will take away the pain?? i mean come'on the darn thing looks really painful and second, isn't there another more humane way of doing this?? you have to be sure, because it won't grow back. At this point I was already worried what will happen to my putotoy. When they were going to start the procedure all they said was to take a deep breath andddd…. BAM!! That’s when they released the blade! (This was about the time when I started screaming like a little girl). But I hear this loud voice saying WHOOPS!!…. And to my horror they had missed the target!! (sumobra kuno)

Well after they missed the target they had to do it again just to fix what was left of my putotoy and a few days later they had forgot to mentioned to me that they had antiseptics, anesthesia, and a surgical blade just like this...

if only I paid a little bit more.

One thing that I have learned from this experience was that never ever is kuripot PERIOD!! But as a consolation gift to me at least my darling Maria like the way it looked when I showed it to her.

Jose “pepe” Rizal

(jay periquet)

Bangungot ng Ulong Bunot

Paalis na ako kasama ng aking mga kaibigan patungong Europa. Hindi namin alam kung gaano katagal ang aming paglalakbay. Basta ang alam namin dadalin kami nitong barko patungo sa mas mabuting hinaharap. At hindi ko rin alam kung ano man haharapin namin roon. Ihihiwalay kaya tayo doon nga mga Espanol at tratratuhing mababa dahil di lang nila tayo kalahi? O aalipustahin ba kami roon ng mga guro at ng mga prayle? Napakaraming maaaring mangyari, ano kaya?

TEKA!!!!

Paano kung hindi rin namin alam kung aabot kami sa aming pupuntahan dahil gabi at tila napundi ang mga bituin sa aming paligid. Dahil wala na ring makita rito at hindi ko na nakikita kung tama ang aking mga pagbaybay, itutulog ko na lamang.

Sa aming matinding at napakatagal na paglalakbay sa karagatan, isang kalabog ang aking narinig. Napakabigaqt na mga apak ang aking naririnig at parang may humahampas sa aming barko. Baka tubig lamng ito? O baka may nag-iingay lamang na mag-nobiyo at nobiya (HAHA)...Pero para panigurado, matingnan rin nga...

Sa aking pagbukas ng pintuan, isang prayle ang aking nadatnan. Hindi lang katamtamang tangkad na prayle kundi isang Higanteng kataas ng mga imprastraktura. Napakataas niya!!! Isang kalbong ngunit di kalbong prayle. Walang buhok sa itaas ngunit sa lahat ng paligid mayroon din. Naglalaway pa at walang modo kahit prayle pa man din siya. Napakadumi ng kanyang tsokolateng kasuotan. Hindi man nalabahan o 'di man inalagaan; may mga mantsa-mantsa pa ng ano yun....ng Dugo!!!!

Dahil rito, ako tumakbo sa ilalim ng kaniyang binti. Dinaanan ko ang mga patay na kuko. Kahit ako'y lumagpas na sa kaniya, hindi ko siya maiwan. Patuloy niya akong hinabol sa buong barko hanggang makuha niya ko ng isang kamay. Binuhat niya ako at pinipisil nang mahigpit. Unti-unti na kong nawawalan ng hangin at nung nawalan na ko ng malay.

Ako'y nagising na rin pero hingal na hingal..Tila tumakbo ako at nawalan ng hangin, parang sa panaginip lang ngunit totoo..nakapagagabag...

Anak na Pepe
(Carlo Balmaceda)

Mi ultimo takbo

Naaalala ko nuong ako'y nag-aaral pa lamang sa unibersidad ng Ateneo sa intramuros. mahilig ako sumakay sa mga kalesa sapagkat kapag nasa kalesa ay masmatangkad at masmataas ang nakikita ko kesa sa mga naglalakad lamang.

mga hangal. sinong maliit ngayon?

ang nagmamaneho ng aking kalesa ay isang sanay na maginoo na nagngangalang Tsuper Schumacher. Uste ang palayaw sa kanya ng mga tao. Marahil ito ay dahil siya ay Aleman at six footer. Hindi ko naiintindihan ang mga Aleman. Hindi ako matangkad.

Nais kong magpuntang Alemanya balang araw.

Nais ko rin tumangkad.

Oh well.. papel.

noong isang gabi na nagkakalesa kami ni Ginoong Tsuper Schumacher ay napadaan kami sa balete drive. madilim sa kalyeng ito at tahimik. kaming dalawa lang ni Ginoong Tsuper Schumacher sa kalye kaya upang libangin ko ang sarili ko at hindi maabala sa mga kwento ng mga nanay ko ukol sa mga mumu at paranormal activity, nagisip ako ng kwento na aking magagamit upang mamulat ang mga mata ng mga kababayan ko, matangkad man o maliit, sa mga kasakiman ng mga espanyol sa bansang pilipinas.

Siguro masmaganda ang istoryang ito kung gagawin kong bampayr ang bida. hmm.

sa gitna ng aking pagmumuni-muni ay may namataan akong paggalaw sa bandang kanan ng kalsada. noon aking suriin nang masmaigi kung ano iyon ay napansin ko na ilaw lang pala. may dalawang kulay pulang ilaw na lumulutang sa dilim. tumaas ang balahibo sa likod ng aking kabayo. este. leeg.

unti unting luminaw kung ang kabuuan ng mukha ng siyang nagmamay-ari ng pulang mga matang nakatitig sa akin at wala akong nagawa kung hindi manigas sa pwesto at mapaisip kung bakit ako naglalate night drive.

Anak ng pari.

QUE HORROR! USTE! RAPIDE!

ako'y sumigaw sa aking kaibigang aleman. ilayo mo ako dito aking kaibigang mahilig sa kabayo. sapagkat ang mukhang nakita ko ay masmasahol pa sa mabahong isda.

"ano po sabi mo kohya?"

maria clara.

isusumpa ko sa aking matinding plantsadong buhok na hindi na ako sisigaw sa espanyol kapag nakaligtas ako sa mumu na ito.

GO USTE! GO USTE! GO GO GO GO!

bakit ba ako sa akin nagpapakita ang mumung ito? sabi sa akin ng mommy ko sa mga buntis na chicks lang daw to nagpapakita o kaya doon sa mga nakakaranas ng regla. hindi naman ako buntis. at hindi ako rineregla sapagkat maliit man ako ay gwapo ako at hindi ako chicks.

bigla kong naalala na mahilig maghalo ng sabaw ng sinigang ang mommy ko.

stir.

hindi ko malilimutan ang gabing iyon. pinatakbo ni uste ang kanyang kabayo at ako'y napasubsob sa aking upuan dahil sa biglaang pagbilis ng takbo ng kalesa. hindi ako makatingin sa likuran namin sa takot na baka hindi pa rin nawawala ang mga matang iyon.

sa sandaling iyon ay napagpasyahan ko ang dalawang bagay.

una, lilipat na ako sa paris.

pangalawa, hinding hindi ako maglalagay ng bampira sa aking nobela.




-Jose Rizal
(Ashley Siy)

nakipagaway ako!

Walang hiyang buhay nga naman ito! Akalin mo nga naman, nagulpi pa ako kanina habang ako’y pauwi sa pamamalengke. Linkit na mga tambay sa kalye, mga salot. Wala naman talaga akong masamang pakay, pinagsasabihan ko lamang sila! Umagang umaga ba naman, tumutungga na ng ginebra at beer na beer. Ang ingay ingay pa, nakagugulo sa mga taong mahimbing pa ang tulog. Sinuway ko sila, pinagsabihan na huwag manggulo. Gusto ko rin sanang sabihin sa kanila na magkaroon naman ng konting silbi: magbasa na lamang ng libro para man lang madagdagan ang kanilang kaalaman at maging mas mulat sa mga nangyayari sa kanilang ginagalawang mundo. O hindi kaya mag-ehersisiyo o kaya maglaro na lamang ng sports para sila’y malibang. Bago ko pa masabi ito, hinampas na ako ng bote sa ulo! Nakalaban ako, nasiko ko ang isa sa ilong habang ang isa naman ay na-punch kick ko sa lugar na hindi kanais-nais matadyakan, ngunit ang isa pa nilang kasama ay nasuntok na ako sa may likod. Napabagsak ako, una ang mukha sa kongkretong sahig. Pinagsisipa na nila. Hindi ko inakalang malakas pala ang mga tambay sa aking lugar. Gayot na gayot. Mukhang sanay makipagaway, mga tarantado! Hindi na malinaw ang aking paningin dala ng pagkamaga ng aking kanang mata. Nakita ko ang isa sa kanila ay humugot na ng matalim pero buti na lang dumating ang mga tanod para pigilan sila.

Nagmamagandang loob lang naman ako! Ayoko lang nasasayang ang oras at talento ng mga kababayan ko! Kakapanuod ko lang ng UFC nitong nakaraang linggo, at sa tingin ko kanakailangan ko nang matuto ng mixed martial arts. Muay Thai at BJJ siguro, tulad ng pinoy na si Brandon Vera.



O kung hindi Muay Thai, maaari ring Boxing nalang. Magpapaturo ako kay Manny Pacquiao ang pambansang kamao. Itong si Manny bayaning-bayani tulad ko!



Kaya hindi umaasenso ang mga Pilipino, walang inatupag kung hindi ang mga bisyo. Angal ng angal sa mahirap na buhay pero hindi nagsisikap. Kailangan makahanap ako ng paraan para tulungan sila, kahit na inaway lang nila ako.

Jose "pepe" Rizal
Shaun Lim

Rizal's First Dog

For all of you who do not speak Spanish, Verguenza easily translates to embarrassment or shame. I mention this because today, I wrote a poem on just that!


VERGUENZA

What a terrific decision for me to make
To go to the fields today
I came upon a brown furry bundle
And found that it wanted to play

I threw a stick, and he ran to it
And he answered and barked at my calls
But as he scuttled across the sloping fields
He jumped at me and bit my balls

“Shame on you,” I scolded him
“Oh what a crying Shame!”
But he was too cute, so I brought him home
And decided to make that his name





Here he is in action!


Jose "Pepe" Rizal
(Leigh Siazon)

Rizal's first gift

June 19, 1877

Today, I turn 16. It feels like a rite of passage that every chico must enter to come out a joven. Nothing exciting has happened to me except that I seem to be more attracted to the chicas here but they always seem to be whispering about me probably because of the way I walk, stand and look. I just received my first present this morning from mama. Her gift, which was almost as huge as a gabinete was patiently sitting by the door waiting for my hands to rip the sleeves of the wrapper open. As wrecklessly and quickly as I possibly could, I then realized that mama got me the Total Body Gym!!!



I could not believe my eyes when I saw this massiveness before me! All the murmurs and mocking jokes suddenly rushed into my head reminding me what my feeble, fragile 16-year old body was up against. I desperately need something like this to prove to those jealous bastardos of classmates that they are nothing but low self-esteemed and inferior bobalicones and to those naïve and innocent chicas that I am more than my body that must definitely be reckoned with.

I can’t wait to grow and become as violento, fuerte, and gran as the great Chuck Norris who endorses this product! I may be small and physically abnormal than other chicos my age but I will definitely grow out of my physical deformities. Young and innocent chicos will look up to me while indecent and malicious bruscos will learn to fear me. No one is ever going to pick on me! Chicas will flock to me but until I have the eye of the most beautiful Leonor Rivera, I will not stop using this machine. Mama has given the most practical gift that will satisfy my youthful cravings of defeating peleones and win the hearts of mujeres.

I will turn my arms into guns of artillery, shoulders as broad as aparadors and abs as hard as the rocks beneath this house. Having gone through 16 years of being made fun of and laughed at, I’m tired of hearing loud whispers and soft heckles that accost me everyday. As much as I try to prove them wrong with my charm, wit and intelligence, I am still not the typical adolescente people expect me to be. I hope this Total Body Gym workout will appease my insecurities and turn me into the next Walker, Texas Ranger of Calamba!



Jose "Pepe" Rizal
(Margarita Cantada)

Rizal Remembers His Birth: out of the UTERUS and into the WORLD

It was in the Lakeshore Town of Calamba, Laguna, a Wednesday, 19^th of June 1861 when I first stepped out into the real world.

It was really very hard for me to leave my mother’s womb because I felt comfortable in there. I’ve spent the last 9 months just taking in whatever my mother Teodora is eating and I am very used to it. There was a time when I got very bored of just staying in my mother’s uterus that I tried to analyze how the human body works.

Even as a child, I already said to myself that when I grow up, I want to be a doctor. One day, when I was about to explore the placenta, arteries, and the veins, I felt something was pulling me out. The uterus of my mother, where I was staying was getting smaller and smaller. I was really trying not to go out of there because I am not yet done exploring my mother’s body. But then, there is nothing I could do, I am just a small boy and the force outside was very strong so I just decided to let myself out of the uterus and into the birth canal.

After I got out, it seems that everyone was crying. I heard Daddy Francisco telling stories that when Mommy was giving birth to me, she almost died because of my big forehead. I think trying to memorize every part of the human body while I am inside my mother’s womb was the reason why I have that sizeable forehead. I am very thankful that nothing happened to my mother. I love her so much. I also like the name she gave me, “Jose”. She named me after the Christian saint San Jose.

Jose "Pepe" Rizal
(Kristina Salac)

My first words

good morning or good evening to all of you out there who are now reading this blog. I was suddenly compelled to share all my innermost thoughts and feelings about my personal experiences to the world. I mean its not like I go parading out in the streets telling people how i feel about how the government is corrupt and inefficient or how you could still drink from the pasig river in my time. It takes a certain degree of trust and people really have to earn their way to hear these personal stories, which is why i think you my audience are worthy enough to hear what i have to say.

anyways... lets get to the point. I was walking around the streets the other day when suddenly a healthy serving of bird crap hits me right in the eye. There were several ways on how i could've reacted to this and i chose the most natural one. Anak ng ****! I proclaimed. That was the first time that happened to me and it really pissed me off, which brings me to another story.

my first words... no it wasn't anak ng ****! It was anak na pepe, which is totally different from anak ng ****. I really don't recall how i could've said a series of three new words all at once but i dunno, that's what my parents told me. But why anak na pepe? When you come to think of it, it does makes sense that those were my first words. I was an offspring of my parents then and I also still am now which explains the anak part and my name's Jose which explains the pepe part. Even back then, i guess all my words made sense.

Maybe we can push this analysis a little further. Why anak na pepe? even in my younger years i guess i was already aware that i was an offspring, not only of my parents but of my country. I owe it to my parents and my country for bringing me into this earth and raising me to become the very respectable man i am now. I guess thats why i said anak na pepe because that is what I am and it really pays off being true to yourself and to stick to your beliefs and principles. Take me for an example, I was true to myself my whole life, i got shot for it but hey i'm still blogging now and enjoying life. Was it worth it? yes, i guess. How is it possible i'm still blogging? i don't know. anyways thats all the time i have for now. 'til next time!



Jose "pepe" Rizal
(shawn yap)