Rizal's first gift

June 19, 1877

Today, I turn 16. It feels like a rite of passage that every chico must enter to come out a joven. Nothing exciting has happened to me except that I seem to be more attracted to the chicas here but they always seem to be whispering about me probably because of the way I walk, stand and look. I just received my first present this morning from mama. Her gift, which was almost as huge as a gabinete was patiently sitting by the door waiting for my hands to rip the sleeves of the wrapper open. As wrecklessly and quickly as I possibly could, I then realized that mama got me the Total Body Gym!!!



I could not believe my eyes when I saw this massiveness before me! All the murmurs and mocking jokes suddenly rushed into my head reminding me what my feeble, fragile 16-year old body was up against. I desperately need something like this to prove to those jealous bastardos of classmates that they are nothing but low self-esteemed and inferior bobalicones and to those naïve and innocent chicas that I am more than my body that must definitely be reckoned with.

I can’t wait to grow and become as violento, fuerte, and gran as the great Chuck Norris who endorses this product! I may be small and physically abnormal than other chicos my age but I will definitely grow out of my physical deformities. Young and innocent chicos will look up to me while indecent and malicious bruscos will learn to fear me. No one is ever going to pick on me! Chicas will flock to me but until I have the eye of the most beautiful Leonor Rivera, I will not stop using this machine. Mama has given the most practical gift that will satisfy my youthful cravings of defeating peleones and win the hearts of mujeres.

I will turn my arms into guns of artillery, shoulders as broad as aparadors and abs as hard as the rocks beneath this house. Having gone through 16 years of being made fun of and laughed at, I’m tired of hearing loud whispers and soft heckles that accost me everyday. As much as I try to prove them wrong with my charm, wit and intelligence, I am still not the typical adolescente people expect me to be. I hope this Total Body Gym workout will appease my insecurities and turn me into the next Walker, Texas Ranger of Calamba!



Jose "Pepe" Rizal
(Margarita Cantada)